Page 51 - Pat's Tavern
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Pat’s Tavern by Thomas J. CraneThe Story Of Louie The Loser Or Sometimes Losers WinLouie was oftentimes seen jerking his way through town with his head quickly bobbing up and down and at the same time moving it back and forth from left to right. The only peril that Louie presented to others was if he decided to spit and he happened to be standing close by. This meant that a person had to have pretty good reflexes to get out of the way. Some say that Louie’s condition came about the day that his father drove across some railroad tracks at a high rate of speed while his mother was pregnant with him. Whenever someone asked Louie what he wanted to be in life as they were concerned for his future, he always replied, “A race car driver.” That is when old grandmotherly types would say to one another, “How sad.”It all changed the day that Louie realized his dream. As luck would have it, Larry The Lush was attempting to park his car with the front door open and he fell out into the street. Seizing the opportunity as the motor was still running, Louie jumped in and mashed down on the gas pedal. Upon seeing what looked like a guided missile bearing down on them while they were crossing the street, Nellie the Nag’s husband jerked her back to the curb and in so doing dislocated her jaw. Continuing on at a high rate of speed, Louie came to the intersection just as Terry The Terrible was once again running a stop sign. Terry’s nickname came about as he was always running cats and dogs and even mothers with buggies off of the streets. Upon hitting Terry’s car broadside, it was quickly reduced to a mangled mess. Still, the car Louie was driving kept going. As Terry crawled from his car, he looked up to see Louie bearing down on a robber running from the bank with a gun in one hand and a sack of money in the other. Louie hit the robber so hard that the gun that he was carrying was knocked back to the sheriff who was chasing behind. The bag of money having been split open suddenly spewed bills in the air and quickly sailed down the street while the townspeople scooped them up and stuffed them in their purses and pockets. No one knows how many dreams were fulfilled that day. Louie proceeded to drive over the crest of the hill at the end of the town and with his arms stuck out either side of the car windows, he gave the victory sign.His father who had witnessed the whole episode stood there with a tear running down his cheek and proudly saying, “That’s my boy.” The moral of the story is: Don’t drink and drive, keep your insurance up to date and don’t ever ask Louie what he wants to do in life.51

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